Thursday, April 8, 2010

CPSIA - The Long-g-g-g-g Wait is Over!

The long-awaited test standard for clacker balls is FINALLY here! At only 16 pages, it's a mere trifle of a test standard but - believe me - it's packed with goodness.

And if you're one of those people who stays up late at night, fretting over how to find a testing company properly qualified to test your clacker balls, you can rest easy now - this godsend of a standard addresses that exact dilemma! Third party assessment of clacker balls has been identified by Congress as ESSENTIAL to restore America's confidence in the clacker ball industry. Clacker ball safety - that's change you can believe in!

These steps are long overdue, particularly in light of panic over imported clacker balls which may be prone to off-tempo clacking.

Of course, not every lab is qualified to test your clacker balls. A Third Party Clacker Ball Conformity Assessment Body (we call them "test labs", but you should probably call them TPCBCAB's) needs to be accredited in the Clacker Sciences before any General Conformity Certificate would be acceptable. As if this weren't obvious . . . . For high-volume clacker ball manufacturers, the CPSC has thoughtfully provided special rules for money-saving Firewalled Clacker Ball Conformity Assessment Bodies (FCBCABs, not to be confused with a TPCBCABs). So you have options!

Fortunately, the CPSC saw the crisis in clacker ball safety coming and POURED money from its annual $118 million budget into its clacker ball department, hiring squads of Ph.D.'s skilled in clackerology - just file a Section 15 report and see how quickly they clack your balls like never before! And to protect our borders, the CPSC beefed up its atrophied team of Field Clacker Ball Inspectors (FCBIs). To combat clacking marauders, the CPSC staged FCBIs at each domestic port, alert and poised to protect America against contraband balls.

Does anyone think it's ironic that there are no clacker ball recalls listed on the CPSC website? Okay, the agency has only been protecting us since 1972 - that's only 38 years - but still, no clacker ball recalls? Clearly the absence of recalls proves the need for more vigilant clacker ball testing is URGENT. The public's relief at a re-energized CPSC, ready to oversee our every clack, is palpable. No longer a toothless tiger, this CPSC has become a snarling, clacking . . . something.

So, worry not America, your clacker balls will be safe again for many hours of happy clacking!

Just don't forget - when you play with your balls, always ask for lead-free. You CAN'T be too safe . . . .

4 comments:

Wacky Hermit said...

So when is CPSC going to provide guidance for those of us whose balls don't clack because they're big and made of brass? ;)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Who comes up with this stuff? I couldn't even make it up if I tried.
Ohhhh November, where are you???

Anonymous said...

Hey Mr. Hermit...Funny post.
I am one whose balls are made of plastic, do they need to be tested...by whom and how extensively.

Anonymous said...

What's next? Manufacturers of clacker balls have to sell with product with helmets?